Today is March 25th.
It means nothing to most of you but it marks the date of our first child's due date. Michael and I found out on July 16th of 2012 that we were expecting our first child. Words could not describe how excited and scared I was. Our lives would change forever and there was no going back. I felt great with my pregnancy and had very little symptoms. We went to the doctor for our first appointment on August 16th. I was 8.5 weeks into the pregnancy. The ultrasound tech performed the ultrasound and we heard a heartbeat and saw our baby. Suddenly, we both realized that this pregnancy was real and we were elated. Afterward, I had to meet with the doctor but didn't think Michael needed to stay for the doctor visit and bloodwork so I let him leave for work.
Once I started talking to the doctor (it was also my first appointment with this new doctor), she informed me that the baby's gestational sac was measuring small. She explained that this could be one of three things: (1) sometimes, that means they didn't get a clear image, (2) in some cases, the gestational sac can catch up but more often than not, (3) the baby cannot survive and the pregnancy terminates itself. I was asked to come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound. Reality of what the doctor was saying did not hit me until I left the doctor's office and called Michael. And then I immediately lost it. Everyone kept telling me to stay positive and I did but it was hard. Part of me knew something wasn't right but I kept thinking everything would be fine. These became the longest two weeks of my life.
By the time the next appointment came around, I was a nervous wreck. I had a feeling all week that the baby had not survived but I did not have any bleeding or cramping so I tried to focus on the positives. By the time we got to the doctor's office I felt like I was going to throw up everywhere. The ultrasound confirmed what I had already known but Michael had not, the baby had not survived and there was no heartbeat. Unfortunately, it was a Friday afternoon appointment and the Friday before Labor Day. My doctor was no longer in the office and I'd have to wait through the long weekend before getting answers on what would come next. I had suffered a "missed miscarriage" and my body didn't bleed or cramp because it didn't realize I had miscarried. The on-call doctor told me some people's body may take weeks or months before realizing the baby is no longer viable. However, with the risk of infection, I could not wait that long to allow my body to figure it out.
On September 5th, 2012, I had surgery to "remove my pregnancy". As I was getting out of the car with Michael at the surgery center, I completely lost it and told him I couldn't do it. Yet, I knew I had no choice. The procedure was quick and from there, I began the healing process.
None of my friends had experienced a miscarriage and few people in my family or around me had so grieving became a very hard process. I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was normal or wrong. I quickly became angry and jealous of anyone pregnant around me who had a healthy pregnancy. I constantly asked Michael why it had to be us. I'd never wish this kind of pain on anyone else but couldn't understand why it had to happen to us. We had done everything completely right. I had not broken any rules during pregnancy and made sure I was as healthy as could be.
Yet, sometimes things happen and we'll never know why.
The grieving process for a miscarriage is much harder than I ever imagined it could be. I am not an emotional person and do not cry easily. I don't cry at weddings or movies. But then I became that mess of a person who cried at the drop of a hat. I would cry in my car driving home. I would cry when a certain song came on the radio. I would cry every Monday when I should have rolled over to the next week of pregnancy. And it was hard. Michael was wonderful throughout my experience but had no idea what I was going through or how I felt so he was unsure of how to help me. By that point, he was focused on giving it the time we needed before trying again and then starting over. Looking back, I tell people who are going through this experience to cry as much as they need to. Only a mother (even if you lose your first child in utero) knows the connection you make to that baby the minute you find out you are pregnant. I could never explain how much pregnancy changes you from the beginning. We had hopes and dreams for our first baby and suddenly they all vanish. Our first child should have been here with us for his/her first Easter this year. We would have celebrated our first Mother's Day and Father's Day as parents. But things change. And we have to accept these changes.
I know that I am deeply saddened by our loss and knowing we could have had a baby in our arms at this very moment but I also know that Jack would not be on his way here to meet us if we hadn't gone through this experience. I am thankful we were able to conceive quickly after. It has made the grieving process much easier but there are still days it has made it harder. I have YET to truly enjoy pregnancy. I was scared to get attached to this new baby inside of me. What if it happened again? I began to live from appointment to appointment and became so sick to my stomach before every appointment that I'd almost throw up in the waiting room. It has made it especially difficult when dealing with Jack's kidney issues. Although his issues are completely fixable, I have my moments and times when I get bitter and jealous that I cannot have a healthy pregnancy while so many others around me have. After everything we have been through, couldn't this pregnancy have been free of complications? Shouldn't Jack have a fair shot at life?
But that's not how life works.
So we've taken Jack's Hydronephrosis in stride and we've worked through our anxiety and fears. I know that Riley Children's Hospital is an amazing hospital and am comfortable trusting any doctor working there. And for right now, I enjoy every kick and punch I get from my little man and am thankful for these kicks because he's letting me know he's just fine. I cannot wait to go the doctor tomorrow to hear his heartbeat and to see his sweet face again on April 4th for our follow-up ultrasound.
In addition, we had not bought anything for Jack yet because of moving right before he's born and him already measuring so big (not sure what sizes to buy) but we did make our first purchase yesterday. It was two pairs of shoes that look just like daddy's. :)
Disclaimer:
Sorry for the long post but I am definitely someone who feels better when my emotions are in writing. I kept a private blog throughout my experience with how I felt and what I was going through and found out yesterday morning that the blog somehow completely deleted itself when the system upgraded. I lost everything. So this is my way of getting my emotions out, moving on, and accepting that our lives wil never be the same on March 25th. <3
Love,
The GROWING Goodins
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